Growing pains.

So Rylan went to sleep tonight without nursing. You never really know 100% when is the right night to try it. He really doesn't nurse well any more though - more biting than anything. So tonight I decided I would try putting him to straight to bed and see how he'd do. We sat down and read a story just he and I, so that we still had some alone time together. Then I gave him his pacifier and blanket and laid him down and left the room just as I always do. He cried for about 10-15 minutes, but he has been doing that lately for naps and bedtime. I don't know what is harder on a mom - when they cry or when they don't cry. Neither makes you feel better, cause one makes you wonder if you made the right choice and the other makes you sad because you realize they are growing up and don't need you as much. I'm not going to lie - there is some relief that comes with it. I have been pregnant or nursing for almost 4 years now, but there is nothing that can keep you from feeling that pull at your heart when another chapter comes to a close.

You would think the more children you have the easier moments like this get, but it has been the exact opposite for me. Things have bothered me a lot more with Rylan. My only explanation is that with Greyson I knew I was going to have more children, so it was easier to let go. This time it is kinda 50/50 on whether I will get to go through this again. Sitting here in this moment I would tell you yes I definitely want another child, but emotional moments like these are not the time to decide such things. A rational person would tell you that you can't keep having more children just because you are sad about the ones you have growing up - it has to end at some point. Okay "end" was a bad choice of words. It never really ends cause they are always your children and they are always going to be growing out of things and growing into new things. All the while mommy is the one who feels the pain of all their growing...